I’m throwing in the towel. (again)

A couple of years ago I wrote this post. And it’s still how I feel. So why don’t you join me? Go ahead and throw in the towel and see what Abba’s plans are for you this year. I’ve found it’s much better -and less stressful – this way!


I always have such high hopes this time of year. Regardless of what kind of year it has been, the next is always full of promise. It’s the fresh start I’ve been looking for. I can re-group, re-focus and start anew. I’m high on anticipation and expectation.

So I start to plan. I make lists of things I want to change in my life. I make lists of what I’d like to see happen in the coming year. I make lists of what I want to see Abba do. And I head off into the New Year with great enthusiasm.

But by February, the high is gone and my enthusiasm has waned. I’m now overwhelmed by disappointment and frustration. The changes I wanted seem impossible (what was I thinking?). The things I’d like to see happen aren’t anywhere in sight (people aren’t cooperating). And what I want to see God do……well, I can’t see anything for the discouragement and exhaustion.

What happened to my year full of promise? And why do I repeat this same scenario year after year only to be disappointed year after year? I usually end up throwing in the towel along with those lists. And try not to indulge in too much self-loathing as I ask myself: “Why can’t I do this? Why is this so hard?

But – one day I’m reading in Galatians and the light bulb comes on. Galatians 5:25 Since we are living by the Spirit, let us follow the Spirit’s leading in every part of our lives.

I think I may have finally discovered my problem. There’s way too much of me involved. I’m being Kim led – not Spirit led. I’m the one calling all the shots; listing the changes I want, what I want to see happen and what I want to see Abba do. It’s my agenda and I’m leading the way. I’m taking charge.

I’m also the one trying to make it all happen. On my time-table of course. Always sooner rather than later.

No wonder I’m frustrated. And exhausted.

Why didn’t I see this before? How many times have I read Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.”? How many times have I sung the sweet little Psalty song, “God Has A Plan For My Life” to my kids?

I don’t need to make any lists. I don’t need to set an agenda. I don’t need to make a plan.

All I need to do is let Holy Spirit lead me into Abba’s plan for my life.

So I’m not waiting until February. I’m throwing in the towel now. I quit writing list of what I want to see. Instead of setting my own agenda, for a change I’ve decided to ask Holy Spirit to lead me into Abba’s plan for this next year.

And because it’s His plan, I’m not in charge. I don’t have to figure anything out. I don’t have to organize or orchestrate. It’s His responsibility to implement and set the timetable. It’s His responsibility to power, fund and fuel His plan. It’s His responsibility to produce the changes He wants in me.

My part is to follow Holy Spirit, listen closely and then obey. That sounds a lot easier and a lot less stressful.

So this year, I sit down with pen and paper to listen. I will write down only what He whispers into my heart. And that will be my focus for this new year.

My Box

I’ve often heard the phrase “Don’t put God in a box”. And recently I’ve been mulling that idea over and asking questions. Can I really put God in a box? Is that even possible? I understand the intent of the phrase: Don’t limit God. But is it actually possible to limit the limitless God?

As I’ve turned these thoughts over in my mind, I’ve developed a myriad of opinions. (yes, I’m known to have multiple opinions on the same subject) But this is the thought that is most prominent: by trying to put God in a box, I am really putting myself in the box. By trying to limit God, I am only limiting myself.

My attempts to put God in a box are based on my need for comfort, security and stability. In other words – I’m afraid. I fear stepping out into the unknown. I fear rejection. I fear uncertainty. I fear disappointment. I fear failure. I fear lack.

I feel the need to protect myself, so I create a safety zone. I set up boundaries that allow me to operate in what I am comfortable in. And within these boundaries I know how to live comfortably. I know what I am able to do. I know what I am able to handle. I know what works for me. I know what I can be successful in. And those are the things I stick with. I think I’ve made a pretty nice box.

As a result, I try to make God operate within the confines of my safety zone in hopes of staying comfortable. I set limits and declare that I will not go past that point because otherwise I may get uncomfortable. I don’t want to get out of my established boundaries because I may be hurt. Or embarrassed.

And as hard as I’ve tried, I just can’t get God to come into my box. I’ve explained my fears. I’ve conveyed my need for comfort, security and stability. I’ve told Him how I would like to keep everything status quo. But He refuses to climb in with me.

It’s not as though He isn’t listening, doesn’t care or doesn’t understand me. He totally gets me. And I think that’s why He is working to get me out of the box. He refuses to work within my boundaries because He wants to stretch me.

I think He purposely asks me to go places I haven’t been before in order to create dependence upon Him. I think He wants me to do things I have not done before so that I will lean on Him more. I think He leads me to things I am unequipped and untrained for so that I will have to draw totally from Him.

In other words – He’s stretching me in order to increase my capacity. He’s stretching me in order to make more room in my life for Him. When I step out of my box and walk with Him, I experience more of Him. I encounter Him in ways I never would have otherwise. I see aspects of Him that I would have missed had I stayed in the box.

My box limits my experience with God. My box limits my growth. My box limits my supernatural encounters. My box limits me.

I confess, it’s really uncomfortable. As I exit my box, fear is there to remind me of my inadequacies. My insecurities rise to the surface and threaten emotional chaos. But this is when I see Jesus, as He calms my fears and gently reassures me that I can do all things through Him because He is my strength. (Philippians 4:13) As He holds my hand and leads me into the great unknown, He whispers Don’t be afraid, for I AM with you. Don’t be discouraged, for I AM your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with My victorious hand. (Isaiah 41:10)

And as I trust in His promises, I experience His peace and I see things happen in and through me that I know could never have come from me.

I’m starting to feel cramped. So as comfy as my box is – I’m climbing out.

gift-box-vector-art-315

I’m throwing in the towel

I always have such high hopes this time of year. Regardless of what kind of year it has been, the next is always full of promise. It’s the fresh start I’ve been looking for. I can re-group, re-focus and start anew. I’m high on anticipation and expectation.

So I start to plan. I make lists of things I want to change in my life. I make lists of what I’d like to see happen in the coming year. I make lists of what I want to see Abba do. And I head off into the New Year with great enthusiasm.

But by February, the high is gone and my enthusiasm has waned. I’m now overwhelmed by disappointment and frustration. The changes I wanted seem impossible (what was I thinking?). The things I’d like to see happen aren’t anywhere in sight (people aren’t cooperating). And what I want to see God do……well, I can’t see anything for the discouragement and exhaustion.

What happened to my year full of promise? And why do I repeat this same scenario year after year only to be disappointed year after year? I usually end up throwing in the towel along with those lists. And try not to indulge in too much self-loathing as I ask myself: “Why can’t I do this? Why is this so hard?

But – one day I’m reading in Galatians and the light bulb comes on. Galatians 5:25 Since we are living by the Spirit, let us follow the Spirit’s leading in every part of our lives.

I think I may have finally discovered my problem. There’s way too much of me involved. I’m being Kim led – not Spirit led. I’m the one calling all the shots; listing the changes I want, what I want to see happen and what I want to see Abba do. It’s my agenda and I’m leading the way. I’m taking charge.

I’m also the one trying to make it all happen. On my time-table of course. Always sooner rather than later.

No wonder I’m frustrated. And exhausted.

Why didn’t I see this before? How many times have I read Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.”? How many times have I sung the sweet little Psalty song, “God Has A Plan For My Life” to my kids?

I don’t need to make any lists. I don’t need to set an agenda. I don’t need to make a plan.

All I need to do is let Holy Spirit lead me into Abba’s plan for my life.

So I’m not waiting until February. I’m throwing in the towel now. I quit writing list of what I want to see. Instead of setting my own agenda for change, I’ve decided to ask Holy Spirit to lead me into Abba’s plan for 2015.

And because it’s His plan, I’m not in charge. I don’t have to figure anything out. I don’t have to organize or orchestrate. It’s His responsibility to implement and set the timetable. It’s His responsibility to power, fund and fuel His plan. It’s His responsibility to produce the changes He wants in me.

My part is to follow Holy Spirit, listen closely and then obey. That sounds a lot easier and a lot less stressful.

So this year, I sit down with pen and paper to listen. I will write down only what He whispers into my heart. And that will be my focus for 2015.

journal